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我认真看了一下,一下是个人看法, 可能虚妄, 如果你觉得不合适可以不采纳.1. Electric Appliance Major, 再确定一下名称2. 18 years old 改成 18 year-old3. 感谢父母给给与你生命我觉得不必放上去.4. 没见过这样用的."letters to words, from words to sentences, from sentences to passages"或许你想再斟酌一下.5.I have a dream, the dream is that I can....不自然, 不如"i have a dream. My dream is to spread my wings and fly..."7.For traveling around the world, 改成"In order to travel around..."8. 想游览世界, 后来又谈及梦想成为boss, 不受人控制,帮助穷人, 主旨不集中.9."It is conviction that it will get its real rewards with my endeavor and pays" 不通, 肯定有些错误.10. 总体建议:主题不是很明确, 最好详细阐述一下, 比如你想游览世界, 最好把你的明确目的地介绍一下,因为你不可能走遍世界上每个地方,每片土地. |
