英语写作在PS中最重要的是能够支撑你所想到的要表达的内容，语法上有一些错误，用词有时候不够准确，这些都是可以原谅的。但是错误不能太离谱，下面我就通过两段文章的评改让大家明白什么样的英语是不可以接受的。
原稿：
In 1991 I took part in a project that nearly copied a millingmachine design made by German with CAD technology twenty yearsbefore. Staring at the Germany blueprints, I realized the technicalgaps between the world (world’s) leading countries and my countryvividly. This experience directly spurred my incipient interest inthe research on Mechanical Engineering. Then I started the longpath of strenuous pursuance.
这位同学希望能够戏剧化地表现自己是如何产生了研究机械学的动力的，他说他看到了中国的一台铣床几乎照抄了二十年前德国的蓝图，于是感到震惊和耻辱，继而坚定了在这方面赶超世界先进水平的决心。写作避免平铺直叙，增加一点戏剧性是很好的。我们都知道鲁迅先生在日本弃医从文，正是因为他看到一段纪录片上中国人麻木不仁地观看日军屠杀我国同胞，决定医治国人的灵魂重于医治国人的身体。
可是这位同学的语言却没有能够支撑他想达到的效果。最关键的地方是他应该对盯着德国的蓝图对他所产生的震惊加以描述，但是因为词汇贫乏，他做不到。表达这样的震惊有很多种方法，比如became speechless, went numb, struck dumbfounded等等。
另外，该段文章中的 “nearlycopied”用错了。他的原意是我国的铣床几乎照抄了德国的蓝图，但现在却成了“想抄却没有抄成”。请看这样两句对话：Did you win the contest? Inearly won. 这个意思就是差点赢了，但实际上是没有赢。 “Made byGerman”应该是Germans或者是Germany。在这样基本的地方都出错误，对读者来说是很刺眼的。另外“realize”一词表示“意识到”（to be aware of）应该与 “that”引导的从句连用；如果用作“实现”这个意义，则不需要 “that”。
该同学词汇极为贫乏，说中国比其他国家落后，在一个句子中country这个词就用了两次，这是写作的大忌。任何语言都有许多同义词，很大的一个原因就是让使用者能够获得语言的丰富性，而不至于使别人读起来或听起来感到厌烦。
Improved version:
While I was still a freshman in 1991, I took part in a projectin which a milling machine design done by Germans with CADtechnology twenty years before was closely duplicated. Staring atthe German blueprints, I was struck dumbfounded by thetechnological gap between the world's leading industrial countries(nations, industrial powers) and my motherland. At that time I feltthat it was my responsibility to help close the gap. Since thenI’ve been goaded to delve deeper and deeper into the research ofMechanical Engineering. Over seven years has passed, and I am gladto say that I have done my share to my country's technologicalprogress in my field. But to actually help put my country at atechnological par with that of the West, I must receive advancededucation in a Western university. For that, I am now applying forPh.D. studies in your distinguished program.
修改后的段落除了描述作者见到德国蓝图的震惊之外，还使用倒叙手法，把感到震惊这件事当作回忆。这样既增加了时空感，又使全段显得饱满。另外，还纠正了一个逻辑错误。作者在原文中说看到蓝图才引发了兴趣，但作者当时已经是机械工程系的学生了，他只能说是获得了深入研究的动力，犯这样的逻辑错误是因为作者词汇量过于贫乏而导致的。
下面再看一段例文和短评，因为改后稿没有增加内容，我们把修改的部分用黑体字直接放在原文后面的括号里：
Grown up in a poor and illiterate family, I always felt myparents' vibrating hearts for anticipating leading a comfortableand dignified life. (Growing up in a poor and illiterate family,I knew all too well my parents' yearning for a dignified life,relieved of worries over basic necessities.) Since I beheld thepale face of my mother because of excessively selling her blood tothe county hospital in order to obtain sufficient school fee forme, I told myself that it is your own responsibility to refine yourparents' life quality step by step. (Whenever my tuition wasdue, my mother had to sell her blood again. Looking at her paleface and frail body, I felt wrenching pain in myheart. At a tender age, I was determined toquickly stand up on my own feet and help alleviate all thesufferings she had to endure.)
原文的第一个词就是错误的。“成长”如果做分词的话应该用现在分词，因为按照英语的思维习惯，一个小孩是自己成长起来的，如果用了过去分词就有被动语态的意思，只有植物才是被种植的。
第二句话太长，而且用词罗嗦。because of后面应该跟名词性质的内容，这一点原文作者做到了，但是有一定英语水平的人一定会注意到becauseof后面应该只能跟一到两个词，比如说I canceled my trip because ofpoor weather，现在作者在because of后面跟了太多的东西。
有些用词完全是多余的，比如excessively selling herblood。excessively这个词在这个地方完全是多余的。to the countyhospital也是多余的。School fee 应该用tuition一个词来代替。
最后的一句话作者把间接引语给用错了，应该将your own, your parents改成 my own, my parents。
以上举的是语言完全不能过关的两个例子。假如您作为读者只有这样的写作水准，千万不要草草写完了就寄走。您一定要找水平比你更高的人修改润色。
最后我们再看一个语言质量还不错的例子。但即使是语言不错，还是有改进的余地。
原稿：
I grew up in a small village, which was surrounded by mountainsand led to the outside world by a winding footpath. (I grew upin a small village surrounded by mountains with only a makeshiftfootpath winding towards the outside world.) The specialgeographical environment gave me a strange impression when I was alittle child. I always thought that the world was very simple.(As a child, this special living environment always gave me theimpression that the world was very simple.) In my mind, myvillage was one edge of the earth and Beijing, the only city I hadever known, was the other end. (In my mind, my village was oneend of the earth and Beijing, the only city I had ever knownof, was the other end. My world was very smallalthough I didn’t realize it at the time.)
评论：
1. 用makeshift path能显现出小村庄与外部世界交流的困难。“世界的两端”用 end,而不是edge (边缘的那一小点面积。)
2. 人们的居住环境应该是 living environment, 而不是 geographicalenvironment.
Though the education level in the village was rather low and Iwas two years younger than my classmates were, I kept ranking thefirst in the class. (I was first educated in the village withclassmates who were two years my senior. This forced me to pushmyself harder to keep up with them. Eventuallythe hard work paid off and I kept ranking first in the class.)I was happy and satisfied until my family moved into The Big City,the capital of our province. I was shocked by the differencesbetween rural and urban life. My simple world was broken. (Amidthe shock by the differences between rural and urban life, mysimple world was broken.) My new classmates looked down upon mebecause of my out-of-date dressing and my rural accent. (Newclassmates looked down upon me because of my out-dated clothes andrural accent.) I was far behind them in terms of academics. Forone year I was like the ugly duckling among proud swans,self-abased and silent. (To make matters worse, the quality ofeducation in the village proved to be low and I was far behind interms of academics. For one year I was like the ugly duckling amongproud swans, self-abased and silent. )
评论：
1．第一句话说自己比同班同学小两岁，紧接着说自己的成绩比他们都好，好象漏掉了一些东西。改成了尽管小两岁，但因为用功，所以成绩优秀。
2．有 amid the shock开头的句子使原稿的两个句子合二为一，更加紧凑。
3．“衣服” 当名词时，应该说 clothes, 而不能是dressing，变成沙拉的调味汁了。
My parents helped me a lot. They taught me how to adapt to a newenvironment and communicate with people. (Fortunately, myparents were extremely helpful, teaching me how to adapt to a newenvironment and communicate with people.) That was my firstlesson in interpersonal communication. (I will always rememberthis as my first lesson in interpersonal communication.) Astime went by, I become more and more extroverted and confident. Mygrades also went upward rapidly. (As time passed, my confidencegrew, my grades went up rapidly and I became more and moreextroverted.) The most important thing is that I learned how toadjust myself to any new situation. I am recounting this experienceof mine only to demonstrate a quality I possess -- the ability toexcel in the face of challenge. (Most importantly, however, isthat I learned how to adapt myself to a new situation, excelling inthe face of challenge, which has proven to be an essential part ofsurvival today.)
评论：
跟第一段一样，原稿的句型还是不够紧凑，能够放在一个句子里的，往往用两个句子，而且都是主、谓、宾的结构，这样使得语言显得primer, 即幼稚。
--选自《留学申请个人陈述写作模板》 |
